From behind she looks like Richard Simmons
What do you want? Don't say anything that would make me look like a pussy at the store.
You don't understand, Single Ladies is like the Don't Stop Believing of the gay community.
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
Nick just found a baggie of 3 year old shrooms in his desk drawer and downed it all with cheap white wine. I am not on vomit duty tonight.
Party priorities: alcohol > girls > music > cups > decorations
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
Does this sound normal?...She's ironing on pictures of her dead cat to all of her green clothes...
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
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