It's like I'm the Little Bo Peep of sheparding dicks.
Only someone with your twisted mind could come up with that simile. Do you sit around and read 'How to turn Beloved Childrens Stories into Sexual Analogies?' This is the 3rd time you've done this.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
Either way you look at it, I'm a slut. But either way I look at it, I'm having a fucking blast.
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
Our suitemates are shrooming again. I left a less colorful dress hanging on the door, change before you come in because purple is making Maeve cry.
she's sniffed three people's necks on the bus to see who the good smell was coming from...
she's gonna get diseases
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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