This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
His idea of hot sex is sticking his finger in my dark star while doing me Missionary style. You can tell he's from the Bible Belt.
Does he smell like BBQ?
Inside and out.
Randomize
