i now understand why he chose to have sex with my friend rather then me after lookin in the mirror this morning. and id do the same thing.
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
Don't make fun of the drunk girl eating bread out of her pockets. I've been that girl.
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
she visited to give me a bj between clients. Social work at its finest.
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
i just remember that i was on top of him and he wasnt contributing to the event much.. god i hope he wasnt asleap.
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
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