tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
That's because you're a slut. A slut fucking a fence.
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
There's strippers and bear every where so ether you gave me the wrong address or this is the coolest birthday party thrown for a seven year old ever.
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
I called him and he said hell call me back hes in the middle of his kareokee song he was out by himself and his dog
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
He was gone when I woke up. But he left skid marks on my sheets and our unopened bottle of Titos is missing
New Rule: No more sleepovers with guys we met on Reddit
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