Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
Midnight walks are trippy
I tried to do that earlier, but I was alone and scared, so I stole a happy Birthday balloon.
She looks like Sash Grey but sounds like Fran Drescher. Advise.
I was on my way at Dorito Smoothie
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
Well, it's hard to say. Last night he puked a perfect circle around him on the floor, and then sat in it insisting it would protect him from the smoke monster. He's was still there last time I checked.
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
Who died my cat blue again?
I woke up naked and alone this morning. What a life
Randomize
