There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
Well I talked to some Canadians today, and I'm keeping a vigilant watch for sharks, so I'm pretty booked up.
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
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