So I had sex with him again. He's still got it. Not chlamydia, he got rid of that.
i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
We had a 30 min conversation last night about whether or not to bone that girl with a lisp to see if she moans with one...
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
He doesn't want a full on relationship, he provides me with all the weed I can handle and gives me multiple mind blowing orgasms. He's my soul mate.
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
Randomize
