I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
I'm about to fuck a girl in an old school Tony Kukoc Bulls jersey. About to earn my third championship ring in sex
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
Lets just say that a certain piercing set off certain alarms when I went thru the airport detector/scanner thingie. David was high fived like 12 times.
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
Ever been to a strip club with one stripper? I have. And she sucked.
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
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