I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
mary just dropped the yahtzee dice in her wine. and shes throwin em like shes on a craps table.
hahahaha slap the bag.
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
I'm just going to say , cocktail races are not for a Wednesday night maybe not even a Friday type of deal
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
Yes, ur purse got stole with our condo keys in it but my slut ass saved us and we had a place to stay, AND I got to choke a motherfucker while riding him. Thats taking one for the team.
just blew him in the library. I am a classy dame
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
