he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
This is my first time seeing you since your lesbian experience. SO EXCITED!
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
Randomize
