You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
I NEED YOU TO TELL ME ITS OKAY TO BE THIS HIGH
Yes
O.K.
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
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