Getting fucked up met up rando with a girl I confesswed my love for last night. weird, going with it
Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
So, it's like build-a-bear for your vag?
Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
i have at this current moment imbibed enough alcohol to float immerse or otherwise submerge a goat of respectable size. tequila
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
This girl is wasted dancing to The Final Countdown. She's grinding on a guy who came to the bar in a track jacket and a wife beater
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
Randomize
