I got fucking wesley sniped last night by that power hoe. How'd it end up on your end? Did you canoodle the stripper enough for her to agree to go to formal?
It's always exciting to touch a new boob.
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
His room was full of guns. It was like having sex with Clint Eastwood.
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
There's two big trays of water in our freezer. I just hope they freeze by Saturday. for the ice luge.
its Wednesday...
they're reeeeeally big trays
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
I gave the bike taxi guy a blowjob because I didn't have any cash. College.
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
Randomize
