Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
i just added your friend Valery on the FB just to comment on your tits.... thought id give you a heads up
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
Sorry really high. We have no lighter so we're lighting the bowl with rolled up paper towels lit by candle which also lit with a rolled up paper towel that we lit with the stove eye
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
gave him road head on the way to his grandparents house. purposely didn't let him finish, the sexual tension over turkey was indescribable.
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
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