if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
Come back I feel like I ticking time bomb of
of drugs
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
I've never had someone have to dis-arm themselves before I sucked their dick prior to that
he's so hot I'd consider breaking the whole, "till death do us part," agreement he's currently in
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
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