Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
she must wash her vagina with a dirtier vagina
not sure what i find more disconcerting, your text or the fact that i recognized that as a dane cook quote
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
It's only slutty if you don't have his number. Unless there's a full moon. Then anything goes.
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
Randomize
