My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
Come down. You're the next contestant on this bowl.
Theres a freshman smoking a pipe on campus. This new class is setting a new standard we're not ready for
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
I'm just gonna go have sex with whom ever is in the men's room.
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
Randomize
