im glad we only fight about serious things like the hills and disney scene it
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
did i walk over a car last night?
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
I've never seen an uncircumcised dick in real life and the internet indicates I don't want to.
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
I smelled him yesterday and almost relapsed he's like cocaine
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
Like I blink, and he's face first in my vagina.
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
Randomize
