Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
Her facebook status is 'PERCS ON DECKKK~' which is probably why she still lives with her parents.
Drunk lesbians having an argument about their realationship isn't as hot as I imagined.....
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
Or stump rather since he's possibly large. Large penises don't have tips, just blunt ends of battering rams.
I miss the good ol days when id just come home from school and thered be a costco size box of condoms on my bed.
my parents really loved me back then.
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
No one parties "Full Karen". She once broke a couple up at the bar, ate the girl out in the bathroom and took the guy home.
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
Randomize
