Is it wrong to beat off to a girl to determine if you like her or not?
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
I am in an eBay bidding war over a build a bear one direction tshirt, this is who you choose to bone
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
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