Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
there's a barbecue in the shower. I'd like to know who got this to fit inside perfectly. impressive
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
I don't like sad things. I do like drinking though
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
I did put on a shirt to start the night, right?
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