I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
Sometimes to bang a cougar u gotta play wii With her kids
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
the ladder is at the bottom of the pool
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
Sounds good. I will just get tanked here and wear this batman mask.
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
he took a fucking pitcher of koolaid and vodka to the bath with him... i wake up from my blackout to his roomate screaming cause he spilled it and passed out in the middle of a blood red tub. she thought he killed himself. jesus christ its only the first day of break and i already regret coming home
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
Randomize
