On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
Can you still call it a wet dream if sandwiches were involved?
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
your like the ambassador to my penis.
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
I'm not drinking with you for AT LEAST a day
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
Btw I did not technically have a dick in me but I was naked in bed with a man during the last finals game so that is why the Warriors won
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
Randomize
