Yeah, i think she was German or something.
No dude, she's just got a speech impediment.
Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
My v day was great. There's a cum stain in the shape of a handprint on my sheets
Sometimes, it’s important to take a moment and kinkshame yourself.
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
Remeber when we went camping and fucked those two guys? Yeah me either but I'm covered in poison oak so I'm guessing it's from that.
Randomize
