I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
I specifically remember rubbing my eyes thinking I could definitely go blind and I really like came to terms with it I was like ok my other senses will develop this is fine
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
i ate her out in full view of all her roomates. the word awkward doesnt even cover it.
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
Randomize
