Swine flu. Run for my life!
All drunkenness aside, confirm u are alive
So A**** bought my story about how my hickey was a bruise from wrestling
on one hand i'm glad that i'm not in trouble...on the other hand i realized that the reason i cheat on her is because she is so stupid
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized
I think I'm gonna quit partying for awhile. Piercing my own nose is where I draw the line.
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
You proposed a left ass cheek firmness contest and got a surprising number of contestants. Then you ruined it by groping someone who wasn't playing and awarding them first place.
Randomize
