yup, got lost on my way to the final. maybe i should have gone to this class all semester
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
So good!! I became real good friends with an adorable black lesbian couple from Baltimore and a man in a diaper.
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
IF YOU DIE ON LSD YOU DIE FOR REAL
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
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