I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
We agreed on being friends w/ benefits. Lets see if that really happens.
Ok, so that was not supposed to go to u, my bad. I feel horrible.
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
Its honestly only a matter of time before I punch him in the face... I'll try to control myself until you guys break up
I want to ride his face like a jet ski
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
Randomize
