I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
she keeps giving me cups of everbeer.. its everclear and beer mixed. i guess its blackout or backout time
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
so he had an ashton kutcher Kelso haircurt. dude, we're in our mid to late 20s, I don't think we can ridicule guys for having hair anymore.
The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent
You are living the dream.
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
Randomize
