Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
it's all just a bunch of faces and i remember what the floor looked like.
Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
I came over to get dick...not to watch you vacuum....at 2 AM
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
Randomize
