her voice honestly makes me want to vomit. i have springsteen cranked up all the way.
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
it was like the sexual equivalent of when Wilson fell off the raft and floated away
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
he ruins everything I try to do including his roommates
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
This essay is so getting done. I am spurred on by thoughts of test-driving your newly shaven face by sitting on it as soon as humanly possible.
Serious concern: will TSA confiscate my bondage rope?
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
Is there one of me peeing? If so do I look bangable in it
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
Randomize
