were not allowed back there because i puked on the waitresses foot while trying to order another round. for myself.
So I just googled the ten commandments... Were fucked.
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
Omg no. We ate a raw pumpkin last nighr. We dipped it in BBQ sauce.
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
Randomize
