dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
I dunno. The drunker I get, the easier econ gets. I may be onto something here.
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
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