A big part of growing up is learning how to tastefully stare at women
So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
Shes from jersey what did you expect her to say when you asked her if she did coke? Its like asking some1 from a third world country if they are hungry
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
You could give me a blowjob later? :)
I meant do something romantic..
Blowjob In the moonlight?
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
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