just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
The only thing that makes me want to stop the affair is that I am the Monica Lewinksy in this triangle.
I've developed breathing exercises to keep myself from puking..
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
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