Are u religion class? I'm on my way, I have cum in my hair. tell u later.
capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
Just crossed the line from casual pregrame to public intoxication. Shotgunning in a bus shelter.
Who would we be if we didn't go out to drink during finals week? NOBODY
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
I just got hit on at the bar by a guy who used his mother as a wingman, she was pretty convincing. Only in Stratford.
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
Randomize
