Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
i decided i am going on the Justin Bobby plan for success. Don't cut my hair for a year, don't shave for a month, land Audrina Patridge. Game on.
I decided that just having that story under my belt and being able to tell it to my grandchildren is worth the regrets of the evening.
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
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I was also standing on my bed with a road cone pounding on the ceiling at 3am. Not sure why
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
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Just fell off my bed trying to pose and take a nude for you. Probably broke my wrist
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
It was 6am and he went immediately for the 69. WTF?? 6am is WAY to early for acrobatics.
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
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