i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
I should probably just look up vagina pictures in the anatomy textbook. That always cheers me up.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
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