it's too hot outside to masturbate.
i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
yup, got lost on my way to the final. maybe i should have gone to this class all semester
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
She had one drink in her cleavage and another in her hand. She kept rotating between the two by leaning backward and then sipping the one in her hand.
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
he said he was going grocery shopping but when he came back all he had was a jumbo bag of pancake mix and case of beer.
the essentials, lol
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
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