Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
Come over we're drinking with orange soda as a chaser to honor 90s nick kenan and kel.
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
Well five day drinking adventure in appreciation of cinco de drinko under the belt, great way to start may
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
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