Nope, Im Irish and pissed with some drunk mixed in...therefore punching things is the best solution to every problem.
I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
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Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
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We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
I was so fucked up last night that I peed on his FATHER'S BED and fell asleep there. and yes. his father was asleep in the bed
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
What better than a girl who loves jager, sexts like a champ and is down for t-bell at any hours of the night? oh wait, NOTHING.
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