We're facebook friends in real life
I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
Suck a a big bag of reindeer cock bud. Sent from church. See you in hell
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
I intend to get homeless drunk
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
you are never too drunk for berry picking
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
Its a holy bong. We had to bless the holy bong water.
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
Woke up with a glow stick in my boobs this morning. Must've dominated Sunday.
Randomize
