She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
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I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
It's that "make a Pringle and Twinkie sandwich" kind of depression.
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
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In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
Unless your name is actually "Ticfj" like my phone says, I have no idea who you are...
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
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