so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
Why is your signature on my underwear?
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
Yeah. Just jump him. Naked. Claim his dick for yourself.
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
I had a sex dream. With two guys. And my subconscious decided to put your dick on BOTH OF THEM. If there is a society where that does not mean "I cherish you" I do not want to live there.
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
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