I just spent twenty minutes with brandons dad explaining why head isnt typically considered sex...can we say awkward?
nobody understood you. You kept speaking french and hiding shit in your boobs
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
I cant even remember his name or what he looked like. all I remember is what the tattoo on his forearm looked like.
well, he kindof looked like a walmart greeter. I tried to stop you
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
This is the high leading the old right now
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
I don't really care where everyone ended up, but is everyone alive and not in jail?
Not in jail
Alive?
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
Randomize
