its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
On a side note, I now know what a $150 cab ride looks like
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
Someone in a vagina costume on campus.
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
He told me he wanted a penis beard so that he could look at girls faces when they gave him blowjobs. i have to say, i kind of admire his creativity
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
I don't know bro. If a girl makes you cum hard enough that you pull a back muscle, she might be the perfect one to call for a massage on said muscle.
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
I did what i always do when i miss him; masturbate and watch Bridges of Madison County.
He ate me out in a golf cart while I watched the sunset. You are so right, golf skirts do provide amazing access.
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