I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
I've hooked up with three guys in my accounting class. I'm beginning to think my teacher failed me so I can start getting laid again.
a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
if it looks like there's being an exorcism being performed you know your doing something right.
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
NO. NONE OF THAT. SHAME ON YOU.
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
Randomize
