singing james blunt while drunk. tell me thats not wonderful
no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
Omg 230 lb butch lesbian with a mustache grabbed my dick. I need an adult
It was disgusting, and I would've rather licked the condensation off the windows instead, but I figured that's wasn't very ladylike
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
he looks like the poster child for myspace how the hell does he have other hoes?
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
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