He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
i love insurance, just had an iv with 4 bags of fluid, 2 shots of finagrin and a 2 hour nap . woke up without a hangover. all for $20
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
Already puke and ralleyd and dressed like a bear.
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
Is it related to planting your seed? Cause I don't know if you have studied the development of a tiny human, but that is some complicated shit.
Isn't everything in a man's life somehow related to him planting his seed?
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
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