I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
But i guess when you use blowjob as a verb you are entitled to some language allowances
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
Im in his room watching him sleep. Im going to try and jerk off and not get caught by the nurse.
he called us the olsen twins. we also rapped ignition much to his dismay.
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
unless you want this visit to have a different tone... more romantic, less molly in a hotel room
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