Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
Would it be inappropriate to rub one out in the gym shower? I mean, technically, I pay $80 a month to do what I want so could they really say anything?
Shower is fine. Steam room is shady. I've probably done both at one point in my life so I can't be used as a good reference.
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
Funniest thing happened to Chloe! She talked the bf into a mmf threesome, and he loudly and enthusiastically discovered he was gay during it. Whole dorm literally heard it happen.Well funny for me. Chloe not so much.
Randomize
