We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
I 100% barfed while bumping the DMX remix of reading rainbow
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
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