She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
Do you not remember you showing everyone in the bathroom your period stained underwear? I'd say you were pretty happy it came
Some great men died of syphilis. I accept your compliment.
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
Hooked up with 8 guys, puked 4 times, got a few bruises, and my face is still numb... I think this visit has truly impacted my college decision
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
ayo
its like you know when i get waxed
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
Randomize
