Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
he came and i only had my diet coke to rinse.. can you say coke float?
he had a TATTOO on his FACE. a tattoo on your face basically says "i've gone as far in society as i'd like to."
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
Come get me...at gazebo by side entrance....im passed out in a bush...this is a Bar A bouncer texting for your buddy
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
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