Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
Maybe if i eat something filling like whole wheat pasta it will make me less hungry for things like dick
The world needs more lipstick lesbians, if anything.
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
I'm doing somethin that's never been done before...the 10 am booty call come over
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
Just an FYI you do have to wear pants to lunch
Randomize
