Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
is it true you fucked a yoga instructor last night??! ..and let me know if you want me to post that question on your facebook so kelly can see how happy you are without her
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
I'm wearing your poncho, and only your poncho. I'm not getting pulled over like this.
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
ERIN AND I ARE GETTING MATCHING VIBRATORS. I'M PEER PRESSURING YOU INTO JOINING THE CLUB. Besides we're the three best friends that anyone could have, you better not ruin that by being a pussy and not treating your pussy to awesomeness. That is all.
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
Randomize
