i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
Wait, just ask him if can you can join in. You haven't lived until you've taken part in a threesome with your father...or so I've heard
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
She said she's different now I guess anytime you get a bible tatt it automatically cancels out all the whoring you did for 10 years
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
OMG LOOK AT THAT PIECE OF MAN
I haven’t trained for this.
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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