I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
why did u let me go home with him last night?
u were determined it was a good idea
I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
I may puke in class so I'm excited to see how that goes
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
Pierced my own nipple last night, and yes everyone did go absolutely nuts
Well I was kicked out of the bar and woke up on a picnic table. I'd say the night was awesome!
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
Randomize
