Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
How do guys with small dicks who cheat on their girlfriends get girlfriends!?!
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
At least you didn't lose your virginity to chumbawumba
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
Randomize
