i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
that was after robitussin, alcohol, and chocolate sauce... but before we finished pregaming
he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
i used baking grease as lip gloss
Im in search of the perfect penis, it would be unethical for me not to test run them.
Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
Awesome. I did a rain go away dance. And it went away. Nbd just cotrollin the weather with my mind and sweet dance moves
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